A Year of Missing You

Mama,

A year ago today is the last day I ever spoke with you. Yesterday was the year anniversary of the last time I gave you a hug, held your hand or saw your radiant smile. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about you. Or about how I'd like to call you and chat. I haven't had the heart to even take your name off of speed dial on my phone.

It's hard to think our family went on, that time didn't stand still, when you passed away last year. But we did. And I wanted to write and let you know all of us are well. In fact, you'd be proud and happy of how we've come together and found happiness with one another every step of the way.

Papa is doing better than any of us could have imagined. You know he's as stubborn as they come, so of course he insisted on staying in the home you two made together. He's doing a good job of taking care of himself, with some help from lots of friends who always say what nice things you did for them. He misses you, but he's happy to have so many family members, friends and neighbors offer to help anyway they can. He says he made a promise to you to keep going to dialysis, and we're thankful he's a man of his word and is sticking it out so that we can have more time with him.

Dad and Tom are each helping Papa and making sure he has people to stop in and keep him company. Jackie and Abby are doing great. Jackie's in her own townhouse now, Jeremiah's in preschool and doing well. Abby is still going to college and working hard to graduate with Honors. We all got together on Christmas morning, just like last year when you were here, too. The house was filled with the noises of happy children and the food would have had you telling stories about the parties you used to throw.

Matt, the boys and I see Papa often, too. We like to pick him up from dialysis, take him food (although he really misses your cooking) or go out to eat with him. He always manages to sneak in some ice cream when we go, now we know where our sweettooths really came from!

Sometimes when we visit him we still expect to see you sitting in the little room, calling to us for hugs and kisses. It can be hard, but we're thankful for all the wonderful memories you gave us when you were alive.  We like to remember them by looking at old photos and talking about what we remember about Nona. I hope they never forget you; I'm certainly grateful you had the opportunity to know and love them all. I wish you were here to see us grow and change, but I know you'd be proud if you were.

This year has been especially wonderful for our family. We were all feeling so wonderful and healthy from no longer eating grains, dairy and processed foods that we decided to write a cook book for kids! I know you always thought highly of Matt's cooking and couldn't believe how much weight we were losing. I can only imagine what you'd say if you saw us now, running a website, writing a cook book and over 200lbs thinner. 

And the boys are doing so wonderfully - they're healthier than they ever have been and doing great in school.  Cole is such an awesome big brother: handsome, smart and sneaky - just like Ronnie! Finian is full of life, and the most loving of any child I've ever met. Little Wes is just adorable, and he knows it... he's starting to talk and knows exactly how to get everything he wants.

I wish you could be here, but that's not fair. You aren't here and there's nothing any of us can do about it. What we can do is be thankful for all the times we had with you. The days you picked us up early from school, had us over for sleepovers and taught us how to make candy cane cookies and chocolate covered peanut butter balls. Because no matter what changes in our lives, no matter how we grow and change, no matter what becomes of the family - we'll always be close.

You instilled in us what family values are. You were a wonderful woman, a kind-hearted, generous, loving, wife, mother, grandmother and great-grandmother. You knew how to give a better guilt-trip than anyone we know. We wouldn't dare not spend time together!

We're going to make a batch of halupki's tomorrow in your honor and go through pictures with the boys to make sure they always remember you.  Thank you for being who you were, and giving of yourself so much, so that we could all be living the happy lives we lead today. I'll never forget what you did for the family and I only hope I can do the same for mine as they grow.